Pregnant woman to husband, “You are taking care of me. I wish you would see someone and get help for yourself.

Audience: HE’S SICK! MEDICAL CRISIS COMING!

The man whose wife is about to give birth: “I have such headaches lately.”

Audience: BRAIN TUMOR!

“Makes it difficult to see”

BRAIN TUMOR!

Pregnant wife: “How can you drive a train if you can’t see?

Audience; TRAIN! BRAIN TUMOR!

Crow lands on porch and Sister Monica chases it away.

Audience: TRAIN ACCIDENT COMING!

Dr Turner, after attendance at conference with Sister Julienne and Irish Chipmunk: “Here are our train seats. Oh I’m so glad I didn’t drive my car. Train is much better.”

Audience: HOW LONG WILL THEY DRAW OUT THIS LEAD-UP TO TRAIN ACCIDENT?

“Call the Midwife” writers and producers: “Oh we’re going to draw this out for the last half of the show, at least. “

Audience: OHHH, RIIIIGGHT, THEY HAVE TO GET THE TRAIN TO POPLAR SO FRED, VIOLET AND REGGIE WILL GET THEIR WEEKLY ALLOTTED SCREEN TIME. GOD KNOWS, WE DON’T SEE ENOUGH OF THEM.

Old Cockney Woman: ‘Allo sister! Allo, doctor. You remember me? I’m big and strong an’ a true salt o’ the bloody earth type. ‘At’s roit . ‘Ad a load-a big fat bye-bees back inna day. Strong as an ox, I am….and ever so grite-ful to yuz. Oy represent Poplar’s past of sturdy, working poor muvvers who got along wiff nuthin. Them wuz the dyes, eh?”

Audience: HOORAY! SHE’S A GONER, MEANING SISTER JULIENNE WON’T DIE!

Brain tumor train conductor husband of pregnant lady sways at the controls.

Audience: HOORAY! HE’S BITING THE BIG ONE TOO, MEANING DR TURNER WON’T DIE EITHER

Call the Midwife producers release memo to tabloids: “Two beloved characters from Call the Midwife are lost in this week’s tragic episode. Will Poplar survive? Will Sister Monica finally cork it and fly off with the crow?

YOUNG SISTER FAT-FACED WIDE EYED NUN: I’m young! I’ve lately been feeling I’m missing out on so much by just swooping in, delivering babies, then heading back to the convent for the Great Silence. I especially feel this way when I’m around other young people. I’m needed! I think I’m going to work with troubled, rat-faced, ignorant low class babu-factory teens who have no support. I’m going to become a social worker and sex educator, recommending birth control and referring young girls for abortions. I’m leaving the convent! My future lies in NHS as a specialist in human sexuality. I’m ready for the show’s annual cast change!

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